60 Short Funny Quotes
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.
I don’t always have patience, but when I do, it’s very short-lived.
My silence is just another word for my headache you’re causing.
I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.
I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m just saying nobody has ever seen me and Batman in the same room.
I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see.
I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room.
A balanced diet means a cookie in each hand.
I’m not aging, I’m marinating.
I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop making me angry.
I’m not late, everyone else is simply too early.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug.
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
I’m not procrastinating. I’m just waiting for inspiration to strike.
Normal is just a setting on the washing machine.
I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why they’re called cell phones.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.
I’m not saying I’m Superman. I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Superman in the same room.
I put the pro in procrastinate.
The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.
I’m not short of breath, I’m just living life on the edge.
I’m not saying I’m Spiderman. I’m just saying nobody has ever seen me and Spiderman in the same room.
The only exercise I excel at is jumping to conclusions.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I’m not ignoring you. I’m prioritizing my sanity.
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is that nobody runs in your family.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
I’m not saying my house is dirty, but the cockroaches moved next door.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
My girlfriend told me to go after my dreams, so I went back to sleep.
